Something Different....

When the same thing that you have done over and over again...... has failed to produce the kind of results you were aiming for...... what do you do?

Do you give up? Do you keep pushing on through?

Become comfortable with that which is painful? Uncomfortable? Oppressive? Unsatisfying?

When in the midst of chaos, desperate to bring resolve to the surrounding dysfunction...How do we get to the root of our errors? How can we break past the veils of illusion, and confusions? Praying for solutions? How can something that you can claim so completely and purely........like the LOVE you have with and for your partner, be so hard to protect-sustain and prove? how can it keep getting harder and love keep getting farther.

Were all the same, flesh and bones. Blood coursing through at a rhythm to a measure unknown. Im left feeling defeated, my true self denied, my values scattered, my security compromised. In despair I loose all desire to be right, no longer intent on proving whos blames whose, no will left to fight, and everything to lose I am conquered. Soul confused. Spirit spent, deceived-abandoned-abused. And I willed it this way it was the energy I invest- and now i'm forced to embrace loss, confessed consequences hard pressed. Never blessed.

Self sabotaged, I am left with my self-my only foe, I'm my only Friend. Beaten by my own biased perspective of now and memories of then.  Demanding an answer for HOW, and where'd I go wrong? I wanted it bad. But wanting it bad enough isn't enough on it's own... to reveal  the origin of all our woes. It's a start. But one beyond the finishline far ahead of where I left my heart.  Even sincere desperation lacks the necessary relief. And facing the truth adds irony to grief. Im hurt cause you'r here, because when I speak you don't hear, but then as you leave...the space I thought would lend air to breathe instead assigns me student having learned a lesson lost and at the greatest cost your absence hurts the most.

 I have laid crying , let down my guard, thrown open the flood gates of bottomless wells of sorrow, sadness and angst. Digging my nails into tomorrow hoping to rip open the strands of time that have woven itself around and through my now, telling me lies-convinced that by staying Im losing me but in actuality you are my all and in your absence I fall, shaken, broken, less than, I cower under the shadow of a blazing tower that once housed me a prisoner in a world of  fantasies. Deranged.... forced separation, restrained   Evicted abruptly by the catastrophe brought on by return to reality. Now Im lonely in this shell , this shell I know so well....hollowed out Im absent in this bed prepared for hell.

Im sure you loved me, and thats what hurts so bad. Im sure we were soul mates-in my sin I resonate at a loss for love. Is this the something different that you tell me of? Why?

to be continued